5 Things a Survivor Wants You To Know

Last week, we spotted this amazing post from The Good Men Project, written by a domestic violence survivor. She challenges 5 myths about domestic violence, using her own story to set the record straight:

I’m not weak.

I , legitimately, walk the planet on a daily basis knowing that there is someone out there that wants to physically harm me. I live knowing that, at any minute, Scott could return. And I’m only able to do this because on a hot July afternoon I picked up my broken body from the concrete floor and limped out of the door, without looking backward. Nobody else did that for me. Nobody was there to protect me from the madness, nor did they hold me by the arm while I walked on a strained ankle and battered knee. I was in so much pain that I wanted to crawl. But I didn’t, knowing that if I took even a second longer than necessary he might kill me. Weakness wasn’t an option. Strength is what allowed me to survive. And it kept me alive every day before and every day after.

It wasn’t easy to come home to a house that didn’t have electricity or running water. It was heartbreaking to have my car repossessed two days after I made the decision to leave. Trying to find a job, without a car, was embarrassing and difficult. But I did it. And I lived in a home for the next several months knowing that, at any moment, he could walk back into my life (and my house) because he knew where I was and he knew that my back window was broken out (because he shattered it with his left fist).

Survivors of domestic abuse are strong.

This excerpt is just one highlight from an article that you really should read in its entirety.

Why Pastors Struggle with DV

It seems like all we have been doing lately is sharing other people's work, which is great, because that means all sorts of people in the media are paying attention to issues including and surrounding violence against women.

The article we want to share today looks at reasons why many pastors struggle when trying to address domestic violence among their congregants. The author comes up with six:

1. Domestic violence is fundamentally unbelievable (that a person would be capable of hurting someone they love).
   
2. Wife abusers are masterful manipulators.
3. Pastors think spousal abuse only happens in certain kinds of families.
4. Pastors haven't thought enough about the gray area between "submit" and abuse.
5. Pastors believe what they preach.
6. Pastors simply aren't trained about domestic violence.

The only fault in this article is that it, unless it is meant to be implicit within the last point, the author offers no solutions for pastors who want to become better at helping both abuser and survivors address the abuse going on in their relationship. That's where we come in. If you are reading this post and belong to a church, synagogue, or other faith-based institution and you would like to help your religious leader increase his or her skills in addressing domestic violence without causing more harm, please call us at (404) 370-7670. We would love to provide the training needed to make our community's faith leaders part of the solution.

Women Arrested for DV Murders

Two Georgia women have been arrested recently for murdering their husbands. WRC knows that women are also capable of using violence, but we also know that women are much less likely than men to murder a spouse or intimate partner. In addition, much of the violence used by women that men's groups cite to prove that men are equally as victimized happens in self-defense. When viewing these two murder cases through that lens, it is certainly interesting to note that both homicide victims had a history of domestic violence.

From WALB:

An Albany woman, who shot and killed her ex-husband Monday night says she'd long been the victim of domestic violence.

33 year old Marlina Hamilton is charged with killing 32 -year old Christopher Donaldson.

Donaldson had just gotten out of prison in March and Police say he and Hamilton, who divorced two years ago, were talking about moving back in together.

Police were called to Hamilton's home around 10:30 that night because of an argument, and officers told Donaldson to leave.

He returned a couple of hours later and was shot.

From the AJC:

A 53-year-old northwest Georgia man was shot and killed Wednesday night, and his wife has been charged with murder.

Walker County deputies were dispatched to the Flintstone home after receiving a call about a domestic dispute, the Rome News-Tribune reported. Deputies found D.C. Hollis dead on the living room floor, according to the report.

Hollis apparently died from a single .38-caliber gunshot wound to the head, Walker County Sheriff Steve Wilson told the newspaper. An autopsy will be conducted at the GBI crime lab.

Hollis' wife, 53-year-old Jimmie Nell Hollis, was arrested and charged with murder, Wilson said.

The couple has a history of being arrested, according to the Walker County Messenger.

D.C. Hollis was released from state prison in 2006 following his conviction on aggravated assault charges, according to the Georgia Department of Corrections.

This is not to say that either man deserved to be killed, but you don't often see newspaper reports of female homicide victims that mention that she spent time in prison for assault or that he claims she had of a history of abuse toward him. Even if we count cases where women kill their partners in self-defense, or to end a lifetime of abuse as these cases may be, the unfortunate reality is that women are still disproportionately killed by their partners and men are disproportionately the ones who do the killing.

Firearms in the Home Make DV Murder More Likely

The Federal Way Mirror reports on a study from the New England Journal of Medicine that found that having a gun in your home makes it three times more likely that you or someone you care about will be murdered by a family member or partner.

Another study published in the Journal of Family Psychology shows a higher likelihood for children to experience behavior problems once they have witnessed firearm-related domestic violence. One East Coast state, however, did consider enacting legislation that would make it easier for domestic violence victims to obtain firearms — only to face denunciation from domestic violence victim advocacy groups that instead support stronger legislation against gun ownership for abusers and from various police agencies that were not eager to have more weapons being introduced into volatile situations that often require police intervention.

The position in a Sept. 11 Federal Way Mirror column by Mark Knapp — that since laws designed to reduce the frequency and severity of domestic violence crimes don't always work, and that potential crime victims should be trained in the use of firearms (and encouraged to get firearms by government attorneys) so that these potential victims can enact vigilante justice — is sending the wrong message to our community. This is not an issue of the proper exercise of a Second Amendment right. This is an issue of the responsible exercise of a Second Amendment right. Study after study shows introducing more firearms (by a perpetrator or a victim) into a domestic violence situation normally results in an escalation of that violence.

Many people we talk to at community education events say that if they were ever in an abusive relationship, they would get their own gun and fight back. These studies prove what a bad idea that can be. Instead of introducing more guns into homes where violence is taking place, we should support the enforcement of the guns laws we have in place to remove guns from batterers' reach entirely.

You Are Not A Failure

Marketing a domestic violence agency is hard because people don't want to be depressed all of the time. People want to give their time and their donations to a cause that is hopeful. They want to make things better. They want to see success.

But "success" and "failure" are subjective. Is a woman a failure if she returns to an abusive partner? Even when so many of the cards are stacked against her?

We'll be honest. It's tempting to gloss things over. It's tempting to make it sound easy to rebuild your life in 90 days in a strange place that you share with many other families. If we make it sound easy, our program looks successful. And if our program looks successful, you'll give us more money that we can use to help more women. But if we do lie, if we do make it seem easy, what happens when it isn't?

Even if we raise $10,000 more dollars that we can use to pay rent, or utilities, or childcare costs for survivors of domestic violence, how does it feel to them when everyone assumes it was easy for them to pick up and start over? And how does it feel when you're at day 75 in your 90-day stay and it hasn't been easy, and you haven't found a job, and people are wondering what is wrong with you that you're still living with your children in a shelter? How do we convince those with power that we need more funding for childcare subsidies, more affordable housing, second chances at jobs, second chances at bank accounts, and work that pays a living wage when we've told them that starting over is a snap?

So we don't lie. But we also can't spend all of our time laying out the myriad of ways that women are told every day that they can't make it on their own. It's not uplifting to acknowledge the hundreds of times each day a battered woman staying in a shelter probably thinks about going back to her partner if that partner can put food on the table for her children. When her food stamp application is rejected, when the doctor won't take Medicaid, when her phone gets cut off, when the judge won't grant her restraining order, when she gets turned down for the 92nd job, when her mom blames her for her marriage falling apart, when it's raining while she's waiting for the bus, when her pastor says God hates divorce, when her baby just won't stop crying, when her children want to see their dad, and when the bruises heal and she can almost forget for a moment what it was really like at home, she thinks about going back. For most people, going back doesn't count as a success.

If she gives in, does that make all of us failures? No. A thousand times no. Because the next time she leaves, she knows that WRC will welcome her back, no questions asked. And the next time she leaves, she knows what she is facing. She knows how hard it will be and she knows that all of that hardship is better than what she is leaving. She is running from something, but this time she knows where she is running to.

So we're going to tell you about it. We're going to walk that tightrope between uplifting and depressing with honesty and integrity. Because if we make it seem easy, it makes it harder for her. So we're willing to do the hard work. We're willing to raise money for a cause that can sometimes seem hopeless. We're willing to look foundation representatives in the eye and say, yes, sometimes the women go back. And we won't keep stats about a "95% success rate!" because we refuse to call any women failures. We'll do this hard work so that it's a little easier for her. We'll do this hard work so that, when she makes it, she gets the applause that she deserves.

Men Who Batter Think You Do, Too!

Men who engage in domestic violence consistently overestimate how common such behavior is, and the more they overestimate, the more they engage in abusing their partner.

“Men who engage in violent behavior justify it in their mind by thinking it is more common and saying, ‘Most guys slap their women around so it is okay to engage in it.’ Or it could be that misperceptions about violence cause the behavior.”

Neighbors says these men overestimated by two to three times the actual rates of seven behaviors ranging from throwing something at a partner to rape. Details of the study will be published in the journal Violence Against Women.

“Another way of looking at this would be wearing a red shirt. If you think everyone is wearing a red shirt then it is okay for you to wear one too. Or if you wear a red shirt you might overestimate the number of other people who are wearing red shirts,” he explains.

The work is the first to document overestimation of intimate partner violence by batterers and is consistent with findings about a variety of other harmful behaviors such as substance use, gambling, and eating disorders. This line of research looks at social norms, or what is considered to be appropriate and inappropriate behavior in society.

“Social norms theory suggests that people act in a way that they believe is consistent with what the average person does,” adds Denise Walker, research professor of social work and co-director of the Innovative Programs Research Group.

The research looked at 124 men who were enrolled in a larger treatment intervention study for domestic violence. The men, all of whom had participated in violence against a partner in the previous 90 days, were asked to estimate the percentage of men who had ever engaged in seven forms of abuse.

These included throwing something at a partner that could hurt; pushing, grabbing, or shoving a partner; slapping or hitting; choking; beating up a partner; threatening a partner with a gun; and forcing a partner have sex when they did not want to.

Data on the percentage of men who actually engaged in these abusive behaviors were drawn from the National Violence Against Women Survey, funded by the National Institute of Justice and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

In every case the men vastly overestimated the actual instances of abuse. For example, the participants on average thought 27.6 percent of men had thrown something with the intent of hurting a partner while the actual number is 11.9 percent. Similarly, they believed 23.6 percent of men had forced their partner to have sex involuntary compared to 7.9 percent in reality.

“With sexual assault the more a man thought it was prevalent the more likely he was to engage in such behavior. If we can correct misperceptions about the prevalence of intimate partner violence, we have a chance to change men’s behavior. If you give them factual information it is harder for them to justify their behavior,” Neighbors says

That is the major role that men can play in the movement to end violence against women: making sure that other men know that domestic violence is not OK. Men have influence over one another in a way that women don't. We need men to speak to their friends, relatives, colleagues, fellow church members, etc. and let them know that there will be a social stigma surrounding battering. If men hold other men socially and politically accountable for battering, there will be a lot less battering. We've known that for years.

Commerce Man Kills Sons, Self

Two days ago, a Georgia man killed his young son and stepson before taking his own life.

Relatives of 36-year-old Keith Jermaine Gresham found the Commerce man dead Monday afternoon inside a car parked on a remote dirt road between Commerce and Jefferson, according to Chief Deputy David Cochran of the Jackson County Sheriff's Office.

The two boys, Keionte Gresham, 4, and Keion Gresham, 7, were found shot to death outside the vehicle.

Keith Gresham was Keion's natural father, according to Cochran.

Cochran told the AJC on Tuesday that Keith Gresham had been involved in an ongoing domestic dispute with the children's mother, who had custody of the boys.

She let the boys spend the weekend with Gresham, but he failed to return them.

On Monday morning, relatives got phone calls and text messages from Gresham, who threatened to harm himself, Cochran said. They went looking for Gresham and the boys, and found them dead on Old Woods Bridge Road.

OnlineAthens has more details:

Prosecutors were attempting to revoke his probation because he had been charged with aggravated stalking in Oglethorpe County and misdemeanor marijuana possession in Jackson County.

Gresham and the boys' mother, Catrina Doster, had been separated for at least a year.

A Jackson County judge granted Doster a 12-month restraining order against Gresham in 2008 and a second 12-month restraining order in October 2009 requiring him to stay 500 yards away from her and her children, according to documents filed in the Jackson County court clerk's office.

However, she allowed Gresham to visit with the children this weekend in advance of his probation revocation hearing, Cochran said.

But when he didn't return the children, Doster, who lives outside of Jackson County, filed an interference with custody complaint with the Commerce Police Department on Monday morning.

Some women want their children to continue a relationship with their father even after they have separated, while others fear harm or an expensive custody battle if the try to keep the kids away. Unfortunately, this case is indicative of a horrifying trend:

In the nine months between June 2009 and April 2010, 75 children have been killed by fathers involved in volatile custody battles with their former partners, according to the Center for Judicial Excellence, a court advocacy organization which has been tracking news articles of such deaths around the U.S. Based in San Rafael, California, the Center focuses on strengthening court integrity as well as improving public accountability of the judiciary.

Some recent examples from the dockets of Family Courts around the country:

» Teigan Peters Brown (3 years old), shot to death by his father during a court-ordered visit. (Arizona June 2009)
» Bekm Bacon (8 months), killed by father, who then killed himself during overnight visitation. (Idaho Feb 2010)
» Janiyah Nicole Hale (1 year), father is charged with her death during an overnight visitation. He is a registered sex offender. (Alabama July 2009)

Office judges do not give women a choice, and many don't take a history of domestic violence into consideration when awarding visitation or custody to violent man.

Experts say abusers use the court system to exercise control over their former partner’s lives, manipulating the players and risking the safety and well being of the children’s lives the courts are sworn to protect.

“Family courts are trained to look for cooperative behavior,” says Rob (Roberta) Valente, general counsel for the National Network to End Domestic Violence, which is based in Washington D.C. “When someone raises an abuse allegation, the court sees it as uncooperative behavior. The result, advocates say, is that the abuser is able to manipulate the court, while a child’s safety and well-being is placed at risk. Many judges are likely to view abuse complaints as a tactic to win custody battles. What the courts have failed to take into account but research has clearly shown time and time again, is that most of the cases that make it to trial in family court are high-risk abuse cases.

Compounding the problem is that judges, attorneys and custody evaluators have little or no training in detecting signs of abuse.

Just 20 per cent of the almost one million divorces and separations registered every year in the U.S. actually land in court. Most are settled in the pre-trial phase, according to Prof. Janet Johnston of San Jose State University, in research studies written for the journal, The Family Court Review.

But of the few who make it to a judge, over 75 percent of these cases are victims of some form of domestic or sexual abuse, according to a 1995 paper by Prof. Peter Jaffe of the University of Western Ontario, who studies children and violence in U.S. and Canadian court systems.

Today’s family courts have also been affected by the rise of the Fathers Rights movement. During the 1950s, family courts almost exclusively awarded custody to mothers. But complaints by fathers that their rights were ignored in custody battles led to a shift in the 1970s to awarding shared custody, on the grounds that it was in the best interest of the child to maintain a relationship with both parents.

Nevertheless, only a small percentage of high-conflict cases require judges to act as conciliators between parties locked in otherwise endless litigation. The majority involve mothers and children that are suffering from serious sexual or domestic abuse.

The National Father Resource Center disputes this, claiming that its member organizations report that 80 percent of mothers’ abuse allegations are false. Although Canadian research from the University of Toronto studying false allegations in U.S. and Canadian custody cases has found that between one and two percent of mothers make false allegations, the fathers’ rights argument has had a powerful impact. As shown by the Tagle case, courts don’t want to hear the mothers’ allegations.

“Historically, allegations of abuse and incest are [met] with a great deal of suspicion, and there is a tremendous resistance to hearing these types of allegations,” said Eileen King, director of Justice for Children, a national non-profit that works to protect children involved in contested custody cases.

Even OnlineAthens felt the need to sneak this comment into their article:

Watson described her cousin as a devoted father who saw his children as often as he could.

"Keith has always been a good dad," she said. "Nobody could separate him from his children. Even when he and Catrina split up, he still went to see his kids."

You know what makes a man a good dad? Not beating up mom! Even after the couple separate, the father's attitudes toward women and violence continue to shape the children's worldview. Unless he is willing to attend counseling or an intervention program to address his abusive past, judges should seriously consider whether allowing the father to parent is really in the children's best interests.

For more information, read the whole article from The Crime Report.

Stalker Kills Marietta Woman

The AJC reports that a 32-year-old Marietta woman was fatally shot Tuesday outside the supermarket where she worked, killed by a man who had been stalking her for months, police said.

Police arrested the suspect, Armando Soto, 46, early Wednesday in Mississippi. He has been charged with felony murder and aggravated assault and is being held in the Pascagoula, Miss., jail.

At 12:15 p.m. Tuesday, police say, Soto confronted Angelica Robledo De La Rosa and her companion outside the Brito Supermarket on South Cobb Drive in Smyrna. Soto shot De La Rosa several times as she got out of a vehicle, police said.

Soto then crashed his white van into another vehicle before fleeing, police said.

Investigators soon learned Soto had repeatedly tried to "pursue a relationship with the victim, however she continually denied his requests," police spokesman Officer Joe Hernandez said. "A series of disturbing [stalking] incidents" followed, Hernandez said, but they were not reported to police.

A lookout was sent to law enforcement agencies Tuesday. Police in Gautier, Miss., pulled over Soto in his white van early Wednesday.

De La Rosa, who worked in the grocery store as a cashier, died of her wounds Tuesday night at WellStar Kennestone Hospital.

Tragedies like these underscore very clearly why we take stalking seriously. It's not a compliment and it's not a way to wear a woman down until she finally says yes to a date. Stalking is a crime, it is threatening and scary, and it should never be treated as a joke. We're just sorry that it takes the death of an innocent woman to prove that.

Domestic Violence Bombing

Expecting to see a post about war? Nope. From the Augusta Chronicle, we hear about a literal domestic violence attempted bombing in Georgia:

Authorities say Robert Holt, 25, wanted to get back at his old girlfriend by throwing a Molotov cocktail through the window of her home.

He not only got arrested; he hit the wrong house.

Mr. Holt was being held Tuesday without bond, charged with throwing the firebomb through the window of a Dell Drive house Sunday night. He was taken into custody soon after by Thomson police.

Authorities said Mr. Holt had been arrested on a variety of charges in recent months but is now facing arson in the first degree, four counts of aggravated assault and possession of an explosive device, according to police records. Each charge is a felony.

No one was injured when the device was thrown through the front window of a residence in the 500 block of Dell Drive about 9 p.m., police said.

Georgia Insurance and Safety Fire Commissioner John W. Oxendine said in a statement that Mr. Holt mistook the home for one where he thought his estranged girlfriend was living.

Firefighters with the Thomson Fire Department responded to a fire call at the home where damage was reported.

Mr. Holt is being held without bond in the McDuffie County Law Enforcement Center.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, we repeat: domestic violence is not just a private, family matter. It spills out of homes and into our streets. Innocent bystanders, friends, and family members are killed daily across the country because we are still too accepting of the violence that we expect to stay behind closed doors. The family living in this home is very lucky that no one was killed. They could easily have been victims of domestic violence homicides too.

For Reporters: How to Write About DV

Reporters covering DV arrests and homicides should take a leaf from Joe Johnson's book. His piece "Horrific End To Marriage Continues Deadly 2009 Trend" in the Athens Banner-Herald is an example of great DV reporting. Follow the link to read it, then come back and we'll tell you why.

Ready?

First, Joe did a very good job of painting a picture of the batterer. Most readers want to assume that someone capable of domestic violence is easy to pick out in a crowd. They expect batterers to look scary or act strange. They never expect batterers to look like their siblings, friends, bosses, neighbors, or fellow church members. This story reminds people how important it is to believe women when they disclose abuse because, though it might not be obvious, all kinds of people are capable of violence.

Second, Joe did an amazing job of showing that domestic violence is increasing and talking to experts to explain that trend. Many women feel like they’re suffering alone, and communities want to believe that domestic violence homicides are rare. If they are rare, we are somewhat absolved of the responsibility of preventing domestic violence and supporting survivors. The article makes clear how important support services are and how equally important it is to support our family and loved ones if they admit to us that their relationship is abusive.

Last, Joe reminded readers who are experiencing domestic violence that the violence usually escalates over time, and provides them with a name, description, and phone number for a local agency that can help them.

It's that simple.

Korean Court Says Survivor Lost Her Dignity

A Korean court has ruled that the heirs of the late actress Choi Jin-sil must compensate an advertiser since she failed to maintain her dignity as a model when pictures of her after a beating by her then-husband Cho Sung-min were publicized in media. A construction company sued Choi in 2004 for W3 billion (US$1=W1,250) for damages incurred and the modeling fee paid.

The company paid Choi W250 million in March 2004 for modeling for apartment buildings. The contract included a clause that if Choi disgraced the image of the company by damaging her social and moral image through her own fault, she would repay the firm twice the modeling fee. Five months later, pictures of her beaten and of the inside of her house in a chaotic state were released.

This takes victim blaming to a sick and institutionalized new level. In its ruling, the court found that Choi disgraced the image of the company by damaging her image through her own fault. Because the court felt that the abuse was her fault, the late actress's children are being held financially responsible for returning the funds from the contracts and paying the penalties.

h/t to Feministing.

Five Mistakes We Make

Props to Newsweek for a remarkably good article about Chris Brown's assault on Rhianna (by the way, notice how we put the blame on the abuser by framing him as the actor).

We've copied the article here in its entirety:

Last week, R&B singer Chris Brown was formally charged with two felonies, assault and making criminal threats, in connection with the alleged beating of his pop-star girlfriend Rihanna on Feb. 8. Though we will never know exactly what happened that night, many of us have seen Rihanna's bruised and bloodied face on the front pages and read horrific details of the alleged attack from the affidavit of a LAPD detective in which he describes contusions on the singer's body. At same time, rumors are that the 21-year-old singer is back in a relationship with Brown, whom she has accused, according to the affidavit, of biting, choking and punching her until her mouth filled with blood.

While we can argue about how much of all that is true, it really doesn't matter. This sad story doesn't have to be verifiable for it to potentially warp how Rihanna's hundreds of thousands of tween fans think about intimate relationships. We've all heard that this should be a "teachable moment"—a chance to talk about domestic violence with our kids. But children and teens aren't just listening to your lectures, they're listening to the way you speculate about the case with other adults; they're absorbing how the media describes it; they're reading gossip Web sites. When you tune into to all the talk about Rihanna and Chris Brown, it's scary how the same persistent domestic-violence myths continue to be perpetuated. Celebrity scandals may have a short shelf life, but what we teach kids about domestic violence will last forever. So rather than "raise awareness," here are five myths that anyone with a child should take time to debunk:

Myth No. 1: It was a domestic argument, and she provoked him
We need to remember that any discussion of domestic violence should not revolve around what the couple may have been arguing about, or as one CNN anchor put it: "the incident that sparked the fight." Nor should we be using the word "provoked" when describing this case, as in the Associated Press account that said the "argument" was "provoked" by Rihanna's "discovery of a text message from another woman." Domestic violence has to do with, well, physical violence, not arguments. There isn't a verbal argument that should "spark" or "provoke" an attack of the kind that leaves one person with wounds that require medical attention.

Cable news has to stop referring to this incident as a "violent fight." A "fight" involves two people hitting each other, not—as is alleged in this case—a woman cowering in a car while a man punches and bites her. If Rihanna had called the police beaten and bloodied and alleging an attack of this nature by a stranger, no one would be calling it a "fight." They'd say that a man was being accused of severely beating and choking a young woman half his size.

Myth No. 2: Evolution makes us do it
Steven Stosny, a counselor and founder of an organization that treats anger-management issues believes that the tragic tendency of women to return to the men who hurt them (battered-woman syndrome) is a product of evolution. Stosny was quoted on CNN.com as saying "To leave an attachment relationship—a relationship where there's an emotional bond—meant certain death by starvation or saber-tooth tiger."

Apologies to Mr. Stosny, but that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. This is the kind of argument that really boils my blood because it seems to naturalize the torture of women. Very little is known about the emotional attachments of early humans. And trust me, after 50,000 years, our fear of saber-tooth tigers has abated. In most domestic-abuse cases, we're talking about a situation where one person is wielding power over an individual through pain, fear and domination. It's not about being scared to leave because of the dangers that await you in the world, it's about being too scared of what's at home to leave.

Myth No. 3: People make mistakes. Give the guy a break
When singer Kanye West talked about the Rihanna-Brown case with his VH1 audience recently, he asked: "Can't we give Chris a break? ... I know I make mistakes in life." Kanye's not the only one saying this kind of thing, so let's get something straight: People leave the oven on or fry turkeys in the garage and burn their house down. One may even accidentally step on the gas instead of the brake and run over the family cat. Mistakes resulting in tragic consequences happen all the time. But one cannot mistakenly beat someone up. You do not accidentally give someone black eyes, a broken nose and a split lip.

Myth No. 4: Brown said he was sorry and they're working it out
Experts will tell you that domestic violence is an escalating series of attacks (not fights) designed to increase a victim's dependence on her abuser. According to the police documents released last week, Rihanna told police that Brown had hit her before and it was getting worse. Sorry means you don't do it again. In discussions about abuse, we need to make it clear that sorry is not enough.

Myth No. 5: She's young, rich and beautiful. If it was really as bad as the media says, she'd leave
The secret to the abuser's power is not only making his victim dependent on him, but convincing her that she is to blame for the attack. No amount of money or fame can protect someone from the terrible cycle of emotional dependence, shame and fear that keeps them with abusive partners. Women who are abused look for ways they may have "provoked" an attack, finding fault with their own behavior to explain the unexplainable—why would someone they love hurt them? And it doesn't help when people outside the relationship blame the victim. In this case, Phylicia Thompson, a cousin of Brown's, told "Extra TV" that, "Chris was not brought up to beat on a woman. So it had to be something to provoke him for Chris to do it." As the rumors swirl about whether Rihanna is back with Brown, understand that those who are abused do not stay with their abusers because they want to be beaten again, or because they are really at fault; it's usually because they feel trapped and guilty.

You may have noticed that the words power, control and domination running through my rant. That was purposeful. What we need to remember, and what we need to teach our children, is that yes, you should never hit anybody and you should never let anybody hit you. But, we also need to tell them that love does not guarantee respect and that any relationship they find themselves involved in should be based on both equally.

Domestic Violence and the Economy

Women's Resource Center has had a deluge of calls this week asking us to comment on the media's new favorite story: increases in domestic violence during tough economic times.

What we know is that when batterers are placed in negative situations that they cannot control, loss of their job or retirement savings for example, they seek out situations and people that they can control. Those most accessible are often their spouse or partner and their children.

However, tough economic times or feelings of being out of control do not cause domestic violence, and putting the financial situation in our country back under control will not be a magical cure. Poverty has long bred domestic violence (though abuse effects families of all income classes) and a lack of monetary resources for survivors trying to leave their relationships makes finding safety that much harder. What we do need to cure domestic violence is a world full of men and women who respect one another as partners and equals, and who are willing to commit their limited resources to providing options for women and children seeking safety.

Response to "Dangers of Domestic Violence Calls"

Recently on Police Link, which bills itself as the Nation's Law Enforcement Community, a post entitled Dangers of Domestic Violence Calls detailed some of the hazards police officers face when responding to domestic violence calls, and offered tips for those officers to minimize the risks to their personal safety. The idea of this post is quite useful. Part of domestic violence response training for police officers should include training on how to preserve their own lives. Domestic violence calls can be some of the most dangerous, and each department should equip their officers with all of the knowledge necessary to avoid being hurt or killed in the line of duty.

Unfortunately, the author of this particular piece seems to have a special contempt for domestic violence calls.

The author recounts an (unsourced) story he/she has read about a police officer being shot by an abuser after respondeding to a domestic violence call, which leads the author to expand upon experienced-based tips on handling "domestics". With each tip category's introduction, it is clear that the author needs more training on the nature of domestic violence, and feels that the victims bring their troubles on themselves.

Exercise Caution
Consider this: There's a reason that you're called to a location. The transition from domestic bliss to domestic violence can take place in the blink of a wandering eye and the person requesting your presence often has some legitimate expectation of getting his or her [expletive] beat. And the person who may inflict such harm might not care who's on the receiving end. (Emphasis Added)

This entire paragraph demonstrates the mindset that domestic violence is the result of one incident (that is the fault of the victim) that pushes an otherwise rational human being "over the edge". Let us be clear, this is patently false. Domestic violence is systematic terroristic behavior. A person who manages to survive in a violent relationship is well-studied in the behaviors that do not upset their significant other. The problem with this type of safety plan is that the violence is not truly related to emotional responses. It isn't the result of stress, or alcohol, or infidelity. It is a thought-out way to exact control over another human being, and the violence will continue in some way or another no matter what the victim does. These rages are not uncontrolled episodes where the abuser "might not care who's on the receiving end." The abuser very much cares. And while the violence may spill over to a police officer, or someone else who is trying to offer help, those people are simply collateral damage to an abuser demonstrating that there is no one who can protect their victim.

Maintain Peace and Safety
If the person is on site and you're able to contact them, first determine if there's been a crime involved. Whether or not one has been committed, tell the person you're assisting to keep their mouth shut so they don't provoke the aggressor into going Jerry Springer on their [expletive], or more importantly, yours.

Conduct a cursory pat-down search of BOTH parties. Considering the nature of circumstances, the omnipresent threat of danger associated with such calls, the understandably agitated frame of mind of the distraught boyfriend/husband/significant other, and the possibility that one/the other/both may have a weapon to launch or prevent an attack, it shouldn't be too hard for you to justify your need for doing so. (Emphasis Added)

Here again there is the repeated theme that domestic violence is an emotional response to some sort of provocation. In addition, the emphasis is on putting responsibility on the victim to not "provoke the aggressor" rather than taking steps to effectively neutralize the abuser, i.e. the one who has actually committed a crime. The author even enters the apologist frame of mind at this point in the post, stating that the "boyfriend/husband/significant other" will have an understandably agitated frame of mind.

Personal Experience
I hate domestics, and was wounded while responding to one when an idiot ambushed another deputy and myself with an AK47. Perhaps predictably, the girlfriend we saved—the one who, along with her family, was the object of the suspect's murderous rage in the first place—[expletive] backward when it came time to go to court and testified on his behalf (he was still sentenced to 160 years).

Personally, I believe that the first time any person becomes a victim of domestic violence, law enforcement officers should do everything in their power to insulate them from any further attack. But the moment they go back to the abusive son of a [expletive], then we should be able to wash our hands of them. Professionally we don't have that discretion: We are expected to continually run interference on behalf of these Darwin Award aspirants.

Ignoring the general tone of obvious contempt and disrespect that litters the "Personal Experience" section of this post, we can still see the continuing theme of a complete misunderstanding of the nature of domestic violence. Once again, we have to reiterate that domestic violence is systematic terroristic behavior used to control another person. If, as the author states, this abuser was not only trying to kill the victim but had also threatened to kill her family, it is no way strange that she would be scared to testify and may in fact have logically felt that the only way to protect her family was to testify for the defense. It is unfortunately likely that she had had previous experience with unhelpful law enforcement and had no reason to believe that her abuser would not be right back out on the street. If the attitude of the author is consistent with his/her department, then it shouldn't shock him that the victim would feel that the criminal justice system would ultimately be of no help to her.

The author's ludicrous Darwin Award insinuation that repeat victims of domestic violence are stupid implies that the main reason the victims return to their abusers is out of a genuine belief that things will change. In fact, the number one reason that victims return to their abusers is an economic inability to go anywhere else. Economic reasons are followed closely by the desire to protect their family and themselves. It is well documented that a woman is in the greatest danger of being killed after she leaves or attempts to leave the relationship.

Perhaps if the author really doesn't want to continue to be called out to the same locations time and time again, he/she ought to lobby for better victim's resources, more law enforcement training, or more effective domestic violence legislation rather than jumping on the victim-blaming bandwagon.

Dennis Rodman charged with domestic violence

CNN.com is reporting today that ex-NBA star Dennis Rodman was charged with domestic violence Wednesday for assaulting his girlfriend, Gina Peterson, in a Los Angeles hotel room last month. Rodman was arrested on April 30, after Peterson called hotel security. According to police, Ms. Peterson suffered injuries to her arm. Rodman's spokesman and attorney do not deny his culpability, but instead they are trying to minimize this serious offense with some very familiar language.

Rodman spokesman Darren Prince says Rodman had had too much to drink when he got into an altercation with Peterson. Prince says the couple are still dating.

"We look forward to a successful resolution of this misdemeanor matter," said Rodman's attorney, Paul Meyer

Having too much to drink is not an excuse for violent behavior. That they are allegedly still together is not evidence of innocence. Many women stay in abusive relationships for one reason or another, that does not excuse the abuser's past or future actions. Finally, while the charge may be a misdemeanor, Rodman's attorney is trying to make it sound like he shoplifted a candy bar. A person who made his career off of his physical abilities is accused of assaulting someone who cares about him. That is a serious offense even if the penalty does not reflect it.

Media Coverage and DV

From the publication that brought you Ike "Beats" Tina to Death, comes this charming and poignant piece, Miss-Leading: The truth about gal's serial fibbing.

Now, strictly speaking, this is not an article, it's a sub-par book review. However, The Post presents the findings in this book as factual news rather than the results of an extremely small and flawed study.

Deceit, thy name is woman. Most females lie "more cleverly and successfully than men" about everything from infidelity and facelifts to barhopping and shopping binges, according to a new book.

Susan Shapiro Barash, author of "Little White Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie," claims to have done a study encompassing 500 women nationwide. However, The Post discloses that Barash obtained the subjects of her study through an ad on Craigslist where she solicited women who wanted to confess fibs they had told in the past. She put out an ad asking for liars, and claims the fact that liars have lied is scientific proof that women lie more than men. In addition to the flawed method of gathering subjects, there was no male control group for comparison.

The mainstream media portrayal of women as inherently stupid, or inherently deceitful is not only offensive, it's dangerous. These stereotypes are often used by batterers in domestic violence situations to justify on-going abuse, or are used as a vehicle to deny to the public that abuse ever took place by making the victim look dishonest. This type of thinking leads to disclosures of violence not being taken seriously by friends, family, clergy, law enforcement, etc. If you're doubtful that these portrayals are in line with mainstream attitudes about women, just ask yourself how a piece this offensive and deeply flawed got through an editorial board, into a newspaper, and remained there with little public protest, or how a book based on this premise was deemed shelf-worthy.

A Christmas Story

On Christmas Eve, Renota and Saundra Brown were found dead in the basement of a home in Omaha, Nebraska. Saundra's boyfriend Fabian Hands was arrested in connection with their murders and the alleged rape and assault of Saundra Brown's daughter. According to KETV:

Police said they went to a home at 4213 N. 21st St. on Christmas Eve. When police entered the home, they discovered the bodies of two females in the basement. Also inside the home was a relative of the victims, who told officers that she had been sexually assaulted. While police talked to her, Hands came from the bedroom and allegedly assaulted her in front of police.

As tragic as the story is, what caught our attention were follow-up interviews with the perpetrator's brother:

In my heart of hearts, I know my brother wouldn't have sexually assaulted anyone.

Sandra and my brother, Fabian, were verbally abusive to one another and sometimes it got physically abusive to one another. They had a strange and unusual relationship. They would fight just to make up. They decided to stay together -- even him talking to me recently about getting married.

Fabian was like a sweet giant. He loved people. He loved life, and I know for a fact he loved Saundra.

There was known to be violence in the relationship, the bodies of his girlfriend and her sister were found in the basement, and police witnessed Hands assaulting his girlfriend's daughter. Yet his brother still cannot fathom that Hands would have perpetrated violence against a woman?

It is difficult to think that people we know and love are capable of such acts, but we know that, in Georgia, between 1/4 and 1/3 of all women will be abused or sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Each of these assaults has a perpetrator, and though he may be your son, brother, childhood sweetheart, best friend from college, a deacon at your church, your financial planner, or the captain of your child's soccer team, that does not mean that he is not capable of violence. Batterers may look very different in public than they do at home, and one of the most important things that you can do to end domestic violence is to believe women when they disclose the abuse to you, and to stand with the survivors in demanding accountability for violence rather than making excuses for a criminal because he is "such a great guy."

It's Not DV If She Liked It

A judge on Friday acquitted a Maryland man of an assault on his girlfriend in the parking lot of a gas station because she refused to testify against him. It isn't at all uncommon that domestic violence victims refuse to testify against their partners in court, for fear of retribution, because incarceration would remove her family's source of income, or for other reasons. This case was different, however, because a police officer witnessed the assault.

Judge Paul Harris's excuse for acquittal:

The judge said that without the woman's testimony, he could not be sure that she hadn't consented to the attack. "You have very rare cases; sadomasochists sometimes like to get beat up."

Because the victim wasn't willing to testify, despite other witnesses, the judge assumed that the attack was welcomed and that a violent man should therefore go free. Other legal experts disagree:

"Unless he found that the officer was not credible, it appears that there would be enough by which a typical fact-finder, a reasonable fact-finder, would have found the element of second- degree assault to exist in that case beyond a reasonable doubt," Byron L. Warnken, a professor at the University of Baltimore School of Law, said. "The notion that you can't possibly try this case without the victim there is incorrect. What would we do in a murder case?"

Later Harris said the sadomasochist comment was intended as a hypothetical. "I'm probably as against domestic violence as anybody, when the case is proven." Comforting.

Some Call It Stalking, I Call It Love

Now being sold at Walmart. These shirts, marketed at teens and young adults, are clearly sending the message that stalking isn't dangerous, but is instead proof of love. But far from simply not wanting to be apart, stalking can be terrifying and haunting for its victims. A stalking victim quoted in the above article had this to say:

"People don't realize how serious stalking is," she said. "You
constantly live in fear, look over your shoulder and suffer from psychological
and physical symptoms due to the stress of the stalker."

She wondered aloud: What's next? "Some say it's rape, I call it hot sex"? Or: "Some call it domestic violence, I say I'm just teaching her a lesson"?

As of today, we have found no indication that Walmart has taken the shirts off the racks, even after numerous complaints have been filed. If you are as outraged as we are, feel free to give the Walmart Corporate Headquarters a call or an email to let them know what you think.

Why is violence her fault?

We often get asked why women stay in violent relationships, as if a woman's decision to stay with the person she loves somehow makes her responsible for all of the violence she has endured. David Cox at the Guardian poses the same question about rape:

Rape isn't the only crime that's unresponsive to law enforcement. We don't imagine that prosecuting drug dealers will solve the drugs problem. We urge their potential victims to "just say no". We advise that those receiving emails from Nigeria that promise large sums of money in return for smaller upfront payments should exercise caution.

When our houses are burgled, we're hardly more likely than rape victims to see the intruder end up behind bars. So what do we do? We fit locks to our doors and windows. We keep our valuables out of sight.

To suggest any comparable behaviour in the field of rape is considered outrageous. Yet, why shouldn't women be encouraged to think twice before visiting footballers' hotel rooms late at night? Why shouldn't they be advised that to get themselves into a drunken stupor in the company of a frisky male could carry risks? Whatever the polite classes may feel, a large proportion of the population continues to see sense in such admonitions.

With whom do you think the responsibility should lie? Is it her fault if she "puts herself" in a potentially unsafe situation? And what if a woman stays with her abusive partner? Does she then deserve the violence she faces?